Dear Diary: Losing a dear one

Dear Diary,

Today I was lazier than a Sunday afternoon. In fact, it was not a Sunday, but I had to pretend it as one. Sometimes when you pretend, the universe also sends pretentious vibes.  So, the afternoon also took a nap with me. That’s when I just wanted to melt away. That’s when the thought of my friend hit me hard. I lost her last February to swine flu. None of my friends had ever died before. Her sudden demise was so depressing, I could not believe the impact she had on me. There was an absence so big, I could not handle it gracefully. My father was hospitalized while she passed away.  I remember, I could not sleep for days and Sometimes I would sleep beyond waking so it resembled a minor death. Many times, I woke up in middle of night, bathed in sweat and waited till dawn to see the light of day to feel alive.

When you lose a dear one, you will forget it is Tuesday, or Wednesday and one day walking from one room to another, you will realise one year has passed since last her breath shook loose. This will destroy you in that it has not destroyed you. You will injure yourself and think you deserve this. You will find her gift skirts and would not know whether its fair for you to wear those or not. You will receive guests and you will not speak of the dead, you will act as if this was a surprise party and she has not yet arrived. Someday, you will just blame yourself for nothing. You will visit the shrine you once visited with her and will cry there for long. Another day, you will wear her gifted thick sweaters because you will always feel cold. You will say you have stopped believing in God, but you will pray. You will say oh God, why God, God please to disrupt the emptiness of your heart and to silence your mind. Time will fold over you. One month after another, the moon will wipe itself then emerge again slowly. You will one day wake up and no longer remember her voice. You will catch a similar face on a subway, and you will continue to your destination without weeping for the first time since her demise. You will no longer feel betrayed by the joy or good fortune of others. You will regard again the flowers budding by the sidewalk and not resent their bloom. One day you will eat peanuts like she taught you and you will teach to someone else. Soon you will learn to love again holding her memories in your heart forever.


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Monalisa Dash Dwibedy

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